So here’s something that almost anyone can try, as long as you have a computer and the ability to make no sense whatsoever. And if you all do it, we can really mess with people’s heads. But in a lovely fun way that won’t cause any divorces or punch ups this festive season.
It’s sort of the anti-EastEnders.
A few Christmases ago I was at a works Christmas do and drunkenly ended up defacing the jokes that came out of the crackers with crayon. The next morning I found I still had a pristine joke/motto and hatched a plan. Here’s the plan:
-Take the paper (here, I’ve made you a blank one to copy and paste on the right). -Paste it into photoshop, paint or powerpoint and then just add the joke
-This is the key bit. The joke shouldn’t make sense at all. I don’t mean poor quality Joe Pasquale level joke. I mean it shouldn’t have any basis in comedy or preferably reality at all (perhaps Pasquale was the right comparison)
-Make the first part Christmassy if you want, (if you're stuck use words like ‘snowman’, ‘santa’, ‘presents’)and then add a totally nonsensical answer.
-Make about eight of them and print them out
-Get your hands on whoever’s crackers (steady) you’ll be pulling over Christmas dinner and unwrap it so you can get to the contents (Since we were children we all knew how to successfully unwrap the cracker without breaking it it's like a junior version of The Hurt Locker).
-Swop out the actual joke for your amended one.
-Replace the cracker.
And that’s it.
On Christmas day 2007 the jokes in our crackers contained the one on right as well as the following:“What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I’m sick of religious fundamentalism”
“What do you call a man with a limp at Christmas? Nigel Anderson”
“How many presents can you get in car? Probably about 12”
“Why did the man do the thing with the stuff? Because of the Alan key”
“Where does Santa get his hat? Leicester”
What happened next was beautiful to watch, especially with older people. They pulled the cracker, they read the joke and I got to watch their faces, the checking of the cracker box for information, the re-reading or just seeing my mum read it twice and then just put it back in the cracker silently and pretending there hadn't been one in hers.
Honestly. The most fun on Christmas Day since I got a Darth Vader Star Destroyer.
That’s my gift to you. Please take it and pass it on this festive season. Because cracker messing is just for Christmas, so make the most of it.
