I'm not paranoid, I don't read the Daily Mail and believe that outside there are a load of knife-wielding illegal immigrants on benefits burning pictures of Princess Diana.
No, it's just that unless it's the postman it's someone trying to sell me something.
Today I'm working from home (fully dressed, before any of my work colleagues ask)and I foolishly answerd the door. A man with, I'm pretty sure, half the recommended level of teeth introduced himself.
"Hiya Pal".Not a good start. 'Pal' is my least favourite term of unfamiliar familiarity. It also reminds me of the dog food. I imagine Cesar used to get annoyed by that too.
"I'm just talking to people on the estate. I'm the fish-man."
Now, at this point you can imagine the scene in my head. I know that by 'fish-man' he means someone who sells fish. of course I do. I'm not mad.
But in my own head I wanted him to be a mutant superhero. Part man, part fish. I started scanning his face for signs of gills, glancing down to see if his legs tapered into a tail - I might have also inhaled quite a lot to see if he smelt funny.
And why was he here? Was he about to thwart crime in a nearby stream or sea (presumably he'd be either sea or freshwater based)? Maybe his lack of teeth were a side effect of him being out of the water for long periods of time? Was his nemesis Lionel Rod (ooh, that's good) on the loose?
But, of course, he wasnt. He was a man trying to sell me fish. I hate fish. So I told him the only possible answer to make him go away quickly.
"Sorry. My wife is allergic to all fish" (she isn't). There. I thought. Get out of that one so-called fish-man. All fish. Yeah. Allergic to all of them. Even Michael Fish brings her out in a rash. Or Fish from Marillion. Checkmate.
"That's ok. I also sell chickens and vegetables" he replied instantly.
So he wasn't really fish-man was he? He was food-man. And that was a much less likely name for a superhero. I wanted to tell him this, but his teeth were concerning me again so I used the 'we're moving' reason, pointing to the For Sale sign and he smile and went on his way.
Thing is. I know that we'll get a knock at the door later, because our windows have been cleaned.
And if he introduces himself as Window-man it'll be the same thing all over again.
