Thank you. Idiots.

Just for clarification, the title refers to two seperate things.

First up, the thank you bit. Thank you to the many people who got in touch about the return of this blog (I sound like Points of View) and said such nice things as:

- You've spelt something wrong
- That really wasn't about anything that blog, was it?
- Yeah, what the second bullet said

Still, it did the job. Like slipping your extremities into a hot bath first (toes, in case you were worried) it's got me acclimatised to writing again.

It also inspired me to blag a blogging gig with www.whatculture.com - a rather splendid website covering film, tv, gaming, music, memory loss, sport and memory loss. The startling news was that the first blog I posted there got just over 10,000 hits in two days. I even got nice comments from strangers, not a single mention of a lack of content or speelling errurs.

I'd love to show you more, but as I write the entire site appears to have gone down. I have that effect on websites.

Now, the idiots bit. Principally dealing with idiots on the phone. I was inspired by a brilliant story today that someone told me about working on a customer service line and getting a call from a customer complaining that the disposable barbecue they had bought had no meat with it. When it was explained that the picture of meat on the front was for illustration purposes the caller said "That explains why it was so cheap. I'd better go and take the other one out of the freezer."

Lovely stuff, I was surprised they didn't complain that the fire wasn't actually included either

The phone is a wonderful way of introducing you to idiots. In the past I've told you how we used to get phonecalls at home asking if we were 'The Chicken Cafe' (we weren't) but recently I've been getting a lot of phonecalls from a company desperate to offer me 'Gas Futures' - which I believe are a nonsense financial investment.

Now, were it the other way round, offering me 'Future Gases' I'd be interested (perhaps a gas that can make your eyes go spirally, and reverse gravity - I'd be up for that.) but I'm led to believe that these people - shock - just want my money. At first, I was slightly angry, but then I decided that if they thought I was a fool who could be parted from his money, I'd get some fun out of it. So far I've dealt with the calls in the following manner:

1st call - I hung up, wasn't falling for that

2nd call - Half recognising the number, I did my usual way of screening calls - I pretended to be my own answer phone (I'm very convincing at this, I even dothe beep). They hung up.

3rd call - Now knowing the number I put on a high-pitched voice and pretended to be my own secretary. This time they talked for a while asking if I could call them back.

4th call - Secretary again. Mr Colman was in a meeting and then playing backgammon (I genuinely said that without laughing) they left the message again.

5th call - Answered in the poshest voice I could manage and kept using the phrase 'This is splendid, you must tell me more' before pretending the phone wasn't working by saying "I am not receving you. Can you hear me?" three times before hanging up on them.

6th call - Secretary. Mr Colman in another meeting, then his weekly game of of Yahtzee.

7th call - I pretended the phone was cutting out, by missing out every third word when I talked to them. The bloke manfully tried to give me info, but we both knew it wasn't going to work

That's as far as I got. I'm eagerly awaiting the next call because I might tell them that I'm dead, and that - ironically - it was in an explosion involving a future gas.

I do hope they call soon. Idiots.

Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?

And we're back.

Yes, a brief look at the site history will confirm I haven't written anything here since May. There're are plenty of reasons. For one, I've been doing stuff elsewhere that I'm not able to post online at the mo (that sounded exciting and mysterious in my head, written down I sound like I've been recording a martyrdom tape).

Another reason, soppy as it is, was that whenever I've had a mo to visit this site I see the last blog about the dearly departed Mr Seth and don't want to go any further. Yes, it's just a cat, but if my absence on this page tells you anything, it's just how much that bundle of love meant to me.

And I assumed that, as I wasn't coming here then no-one else was. Until I stumbled across the stats page of the site, that I didn't even know existed. Someone's been here. Quite a few different someones in fact. This blog has had about 300 hits in the last few months. Different users it seems too. Who the ruddy hell is that? Have people run out of internet to read? Someone suggested it was 'internet robots' which either means (a) automated search engines or (b) ACTUAL ROBOTS, PROBABLY TIME TRAVELLING ONES.

I'm sure I should feel honoured, but instead It's quite disconcerting to find people on my turf when they've no reason to be.

So the only remedy is to start writing again, which I will, that and welcome anyone to the site who hasn't come along before. Seriously, pop your shoes off, pull up a chair, here's a Tabboo and Lemonade. And if you need somewhere to start then, according to the stats, some of the most popular blogs on the site include

Roger Moore and the IKEA tiger - Particularly enjoyable when compared with the recent genius of Skyfall

Sausages don't say Phwoar - The stupidity of self proclaimed ideal Christmas presents

Farewell friends - How not to feel bad about defriending people on facebook

Beating a bit of bully - Advice on dealing with idiots, which involves the use of anvils

Timolsky in need - If just to look at my legs in tights

See you soon, whoever you are.