I've heard some stupid questions in my time. Last year my wife woke up to find one eye inflamed, closed over, swollen up - she looked like the Elephant Man. We went to get medical attention and when she talked to the receptionist - with one eye inflamed, closed over, swollen up she was asked "Ok. Is it affecting your vision?". Erm. Yes. Next question.
And on the subject of very silly questions, well, maybe the answers are the silly things, I was listening to someone on the radio who had failed their driving theory test 3 times who complained they thought they shouldn't have to do it before they could drive.
I'm sorry, but you really need to be passing that before they let you behind the wheel of a car. It's basics. I like to make things up for comic effect but this stuff is comedy gold. So when you are struggling to answer the following genuine theory test questions, it's time to get a bus pass and forget the car for the minute.
Why are vehicles fitted with rear fog lights? (Mark one answer).
-To be seen when driving at high speed
-To use if broken down in a dangerous position
-To make them more visible in thick fog
-To warn drivers following closely to drop back
I'm guessing the word "fog" may be a clue
At the scene of an accident you have to treat someone for shock. What should you do? (Mark one answer)
-Sing to them
-Try and cool them down
-Keep reassuring them until qualified help arrives
-Give them liquids to drink
Could I sing reassuring messages to them, would that not be allowed. What if I'm a professional singer? I'm too busy cooling them down with lilt anyway.
You are driving through an automated rail crossing with barriers when the lights begin to flash. What should you do? (Mark one answer)
-Continue across at your current speed
-Stop and reverse
-Speed up
-Get out and look for trains
Yes, get out and LOOK FOR TRAINS, and while you're at it why not eat some razorblades, cover yourself in petrol and light some matches.
If you need help answering any of these, please drop me a line. Don't attempt to travel to see me to discuss, else I fear you - along with anyone in your path - may end up dead.
Sunday 28 April 2013
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Nooses for weasels?
Sorry for the lack of blogging. I think it’s because I’ve been too busy realising I’m thick.
Seriously, I really am quite thick. Imagine if we were all sausages. I’d be one of those thick ones. Imagine hearing someone with a lisp-like speech impediment saying the word “sick”, and they could be mistaken for describing me. If I was a TV host, I’d be Vernon Kay. I’m so thick I’ll be lucky to end this
You might wonder how I’ve got to this conclusion, when only a few years back I was claiming I was a genius.
It’s just that I’ve realised some of the basic things in life, I haven’t really got right. I admitted one of them to people the other day – that until the age of 30 I didn’t know why there were different colours of toilet rolls. Honestly, I didn’t. Up until then I bought various colours because I thought “ooh, I’ll have pink ones this week” or “I feel a bit down, perhaps blue toilet rolls will reflect that mood?” I honestly didn’t know that you bought them to match in with the colour of your bathroom. Same with mouthwash. Saying that, if I had a bright green bathroom, I’d probably be mental anyway.
On a more advanced scale, I remember the many times I’ve opened loyalty card statements from supermarkets and been delighted to see that the vouchers for money off coupons are on products that I not only like, but that I really probably would buy. I had it down as a co-incidence, not thinking that, just maybe, they probably looked at what I bought before. No. It must have been magic.
There’s lots of other things I could name, like not realising that the little hooks on the insides of car roofs were for coats (What were they for Tim? To secure nooses for weasels?) – I’m surprised I haven’t fallen for a scam online by now.
That would never happen anyway as my friend, the Nigerian grandfather I never knew I had and recently contacted me on email about my inheritance, will testify. When he gets back to me to confirm those bank details are ok of course.
Seriously, I really am quite thick. Imagine if we were all sausages. I’d be one of those thick ones. Imagine hearing someone with a lisp-like speech impediment saying the word “sick”, and they could be mistaken for describing me. If I was a TV host, I’d be Vernon Kay. I’m so thick I’ll be lucky to end this
You might wonder how I’ve got to this conclusion, when only a few years back I was claiming I was a genius.
It’s just that I’ve realised some of the basic things in life, I haven’t really got right. I admitted one of them to people the other day – that until the age of 30 I didn’t know why there were different colours of toilet rolls. Honestly, I didn’t. Up until then I bought various colours because I thought “ooh, I’ll have pink ones this week” or “I feel a bit down, perhaps blue toilet rolls will reflect that mood?” I honestly didn’t know that you bought them to match in with the colour of your bathroom. Same with mouthwash. Saying that, if I had a bright green bathroom, I’d probably be mental anyway.
On a more advanced scale, I remember the many times I’ve opened loyalty card statements from supermarkets and been delighted to see that the vouchers for money off coupons are on products that I not only like, but that I really probably would buy. I had it down as a co-incidence, not thinking that, just maybe, they probably looked at what I bought before. No. It must have been magic.
There’s lots of other things I could name, like not realising that the little hooks on the insides of car roofs were for coats (What were they for Tim? To secure nooses for weasels?) – I’m surprised I haven’t fallen for a scam online by now.
That would never happen anyway as my friend, the Nigerian grandfather I never knew I had and recently contacted me on email about my inheritance, will testify. When he gets back to me to confirm those bank details are ok of course.
Wednesday 3 April 2013
THIS IS A POLITE BLOG
The world is a horrible place at times, war, famine, ITV2, but I find immense solace in the simple use of words on signs. Well, the misuse of them at times.
Take today. I was at an exhibition and we were asked to join in by giving our feedback. I knew this from the sign that said "OFFICAL FEEDBACK ZONE". So my first bit of feedback was "You've spelt OFFICIAL wrong".
A particular delight are those signs, usually at places of work, that begin "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" before going on to lecture you about something.
First of all, the phrase "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" rarely makes me think that is polite. If you're having to tell me it's polite, frankly, I don't believe you. In fact, just be polite in the first place. It's a bit like startint a conversation with "I'm not racist...but" or someone saying to you "I'm going to show you the funniest thing ever" before showing you an episode of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
If you have to qualify it before you say it, think about what you are about to say.
Oh, and you don't need to say it's a NOTICE. I kind of got that from the way it was some words on laminated card on the wall. I didn't look at it and think "Ooh, what's that? Is it a kumquat?". Unlikely to be the case in the gents toilets.
Anyway. In the office I currently work in we have printers with little screens on that use lovely words. When I've finished printing it says "Goodbye...Print safely."
I can't help but reading that in a threatening manner. I think it's the dots, like it's saying "Be careful eh? You never know what could happen do you.... Watch it sunshine." It's like a Lexmark Reggie Kray. Also, I only really know how to "Print safely", it's rare I try printing standing in a bucket of water with a dangerously wired toaster in my hands or do A3 copies whilst poking a crocodile in the nipples.
Anyway, my final piece of wording was in a toilet cubicle (stick with me). On the back of the door was an advert that said (exactly as written here) "Printed advertising works. You're reading this aren't you." Imagine my delight to then see comments added (in different writing each time) that said:
- Shouldn't that second fullstop be a question mark?
- I feel there should also be a comma after this
- Yes, the second line is interrogative, it should finish with a question mark
- Good revisions everyone
And slap bang in the middle, just to finish it off, someone had then added a much more typical piece of toilet graffitti that said.
-UP THE BUM? MEET ME HERE FRIDAYS.
Thank the lord it was only Thursday.
Take today. I was at an exhibition and we were asked to join in by giving our feedback. I knew this from the sign that said "OFFICAL FEEDBACK ZONE". So my first bit of feedback was "You've spelt OFFICIAL wrong".A particular delight are those signs, usually at places of work, that begin "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" before going on to lecture you about something.
First of all, the phrase "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" rarely makes me think that is polite. If you're having to tell me it's polite, frankly, I don't believe you. In fact, just be polite in the first place. It's a bit like startint a conversation with "I'm not racist...but" or someone saying to you "I'm going to show you the funniest thing ever" before showing you an episode of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
If you have to qualify it before you say it, think about what you are about to say.
Oh, and you don't need to say it's a NOTICE. I kind of got that from the way it was some words on laminated card on the wall. I didn't look at it and think "Ooh, what's that? Is it a kumquat?". Unlikely to be the case in the gents toilets.
Anyway. In the office I currently work in we have printers with little screens on that use lovely words. When I've finished printing it says "Goodbye...Print safely."
I can't help but reading that in a threatening manner. I think it's the dots, like it's saying "Be careful eh? You never know what could happen do you.... Watch it sunshine." It's like a Lexmark Reggie Kray. Also, I only really know how to "Print safely", it's rare I try printing standing in a bucket of water with a dangerously wired toaster in my hands or do A3 copies whilst poking a crocodile in the nipples.
Anyway, my final piece of wording was in a toilet cubicle (stick with me). On the back of the door was an advert that said (exactly as written here) "Printed advertising works. You're reading this aren't you." Imagine my delight to then see comments added (in different writing each time) that said:
- Shouldn't that second fullstop be a question mark?
- I feel there should also be a comma after this
- Yes, the second line is interrogative, it should finish with a question mark
- Good revisions everyone
And slap bang in the middle, just to finish it off, someone had then added a much more typical piece of toilet graffitti that said.
-UP THE BUM? MEET ME HERE FRIDAYS.
Thank the lord it was only Thursday.
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