On toilets

If you're of a nervous disposition, or don't want to acknowledge that we all have to go to the toilet, then stop reading. Not that it's going to be in any way filthy, I'm here to talk about the wonderful toilet experiences there are.

No, that sounds wrong. Let me start again.

Public toilets are funny things. I'm inspired because we moved desks at work recently and we have brand new toilets to go to. Listen, in my world that's exciting. It's also important, as we spend a lot of our time in the toilet and I need to know I'm safe. My brother always says "You can always tell where your true home is by the toilet you picture when you need to go." Try saying that next time you're in court and asked to confirm your address.

Anyway, a few observations about toilets that may (or more likely may not) interest you.

The trapped man
In our new toilets there are two stalls. And the times i've been in there so far the first stall is always locked. I'm now thinking that it's the same bloke in there all the time and he's become trapped. I struggle not to laugh at that concept everytime I go in the toilet. And laughing in the toilet is not considered good...

Toilet etiquette
This is something that men understand and women should know. Basically in a gents toilet if there are urinals and they are free you should always ensure that you have left at least one urinal space free. i.e. if there are 3 urinals, you go to the nearest or furthest. This then allows any stranger coming in to take up a urinal with an acceptable gap. If someone else then comes in they can use the middle urinal as they are forced into that position - it is not of their choice - thus making it a neccessity. Ask any bloke and he'll confirm most of this.

The Avengers theme tune
I was once in a toilet where someones phone went off in a stall. It played the entire soundtrack from The Avengers. He made no attempt to turn it off. Seriously. Go to youtube and listen to the music and tell me at which point you might think "Hang on, this bombastic brass and strings spy theme really doesn't go with the location I'm in."

Pyschic cleaners
Here. At work. Everytime I want to go. The cleaners are there and it's closed. I have an extra 3 minute walk to the next one...and they are also being cleaned. I'm getting paranoid.

Toilet roll practical joke invention
The only invention I've ever come up with that I could go on Dragon's Den with is a toilet roll that looks like it's full but when they tug on the paper only one piece comes off and the toilet roll turns out to be plastic or explodes or something. Once I can get the right backing from Theo Paphitis I'll be home free.

There you go - hope that wasn't too grimy for you. Now, wash your hands.

Walk a mile in my brain

There's an old saying that goes. "Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes". Great advice of course, especially if you are a shoe thief.

In a similar way I'd like to invite you into my head. Yes, come on in - there's plenty of room (MEGALOL etc.) Seriously though, I started having a think about how I view things and how my brain works, and I thought it worth sharing.

Here's how it works, answer a, b or c and then tot up for the end score. It's like a Facebook quiz, only with adding up at the end.

1. You are in an office and someone is packing their belongings into a large crate with the word 'Rentacrates' on the side. Does your brain say:

(a) Oh, they must be leaving
(b) I wonder where they are going
(c) That person must be a Greek man called Rentacrates (as in Socrates) who lives in a crate and has his name emblazoned on the side.

2. You are driving down an industrial estate and see the head offices for Sara Lee Cakes and McAfee Computer Viruses. How do you picture the insides of the building?

(a) Modern, fresh offices.
(b) Lots of computers, probably quite swish
(c) The Sarah Lee head office is made of icing and sponge with people covered in sprinkles. Meanwhile McAffee employers are wearing haz-med suits running round with nets trying to catch giant monstrous versions of viruses

3. You see the sign 'Dogs must be carried on the escalator'. What's the first thing you think?

(a) I don't have a dog, so not to worry
(b) Good sensible safety advice
(c) They must be carried? Does that mean I must get a dog before I am allowed travel on one? Where am I going to get at dog from in Next? That's just crazy

4.When someone asks for 'the bill' in a restaurant, what do you say?

(a) "How much do I owe?"
(b) "It's ok, I'll get this"
(c) "Do we really need to get the police involved?"

5. You see a dog in the street. As you walk by do you:

(a) Pat its head
(b) Avoid it
(c) Do a pretend dog voice, a bit like Tommy Cooper, and pretend it said the words you just said in the voice

Right. Tot up your scores.

Mostly (a) or (b), be thankful and sleep soundly. Mostly (c), welcome to my head, please make yourself at home.