Sex and violins

Because i'm an evil planet destroying type I drive a car. Actually, I mainly do it because it's handy, easy and relatively inexpensive. The planet destruction is just an added bonus.

This week though I've been back to various forms of public transport. Car in for MOT meant the bus yesterday, and on wednesday a meeting was easier to get to on the train rather than drive.

As a student, and a man with very little money, I used to live on public transport. I knew bus numbers, I recognised fellow passengers and I never stood forward of 'this line' or distracted the driver. And it was fun at times. Mainly beacause of the things that you observe. Here's my top 5 "lack of my own car" moments

5.I fell asleep regularly on my commute from Torquay to Exeter on the train. One morning I fell asleep 2 minutes into the 40 minute journey and woke up as the train was pulling into the right station. Well, I woke up. My left leg didnt. I'd been sitting funny and it was completely numb and asleep. I managed to limp at high speed to the train door where I then foolishly led with said leg. I fell straight out onto the platform where I had to be helped up by people who clearly thought I had a serious motor condition.

4.Getting on a bus in Nottingham with my chum Daive who said to the grumpy bus driver. "Are you going to the city centre". "Yes". "Can we come with you?". Putting it that way seemed so much nicer.

3.A violin once dropped out of the overhead rack on a train and hit me full on the head. No more explanation needed really.

2.I've mentioned this before, but I nearly got arrested at Birmingham New Street as a student. I dropped a bag that had the processed ham from M&S that was the staple part of my diet at Uni. Sadly the bag fell onto the tracks under the stopped train. So I lay down on the floor to reach under the train to get my bag. Within 10 seconds I was being hauled up by British Transport Police who were convinced I was trying to kill myself. Thank the lord this was the early 90's - these days I'd be in a terrorist prison. The Ham bomber they'd have called me. Porksploder. Or something.

1. This is utterly true, and whilst it's not strictly public transport it's worth telling. Again in Nottingham, me and 4 friends were waiting for a bus on a saturday night. A people carrier/taxi pulled up and asked us if we wanted to go into town. It was a big new people carrier and it wouldn't cost much so we agreed. Inside it was filled with TV screens and 30 seconds into the journey the driver said "You chaps will like this", pressed a button and the screens switched on displaying 8 women indulding in hardcore pornography with a whole manner of household objects. The longest 10 minutes of our lives, each of us sitting in the 'porn taxi' open mouthed wondering quite why this taxi driver thought we'd enjoy it. Sometimes I struggle to believe it really happened. "You chaps will like this"? If we were sex offenders, perhaps.