Wooaahhhh...my mouth is on fire

Yes, you are supposed to read that headline in a Kings of Leon style.

I like my takeaway/restaurant food. You'd know that if you've ever met me, or phoned me after I've just done something strenous like get up from the sofa or lick a stamp. Alright, I need to lose some weight, I know. I'll get round that that in a minute, just after tea in fact.

Pizza is great, especially as if I ever see a sign for, or order from, Dominos I feel the need to sing in a Latin style "PIZZZUSS.....DOMINUS", like it was dramatic choral music from a Dan Brown story. That's what gluttony coupled with a Catholic upbringing will do for you.

Having lived in the Midlands and the North however, I'm a curry fiend. Last weekend I was out in Scotchland with my lovely wife and some chums on Saturday and they suggested we go to their fave local currey house. Being the big man that I am I decided to go for a Chicken Madras. Hot, yes, but normally not anything too severe.

Good lord was I wrong.

Seems this curry house have mislabelled their food somewhat. Where it said "Chicken Madras - Medium Hot/Hot" it should have said "Chicken Madras - You know that thing that the Terminator in Terminator 2 kills himself in, you know, the molten metal, it's basically that.". I'm suprised the chicken was able to remain whole. The waiter should have had a welder's mask on as he brought it. And hands made from asbestos.

After 4-5 mouthfuls I had downed an entire pint of very cold lager and was using the edge of a poppadom to scrape my tongue to remove traces of the devil's curry. I sweated so much I had to use a bit of naan bread to mop my brow. And everytime I tried to laugh it off it felt like my eyes were being heated from the inside with 78 seperate bunsen burners.

I could still feel it as we left the establishment. Thankfully for the future of my mouth, and my lust for food, there was a nearby ice-cream shop still open (this is Scotland, that's how they roll) and a few big scoops of mint-chocolate chip sorted me out. They should use that stuff to stop forest fires frankly.

So in short, yes, the curry was too hot. Either that or I am an utter girl. And a big one at that.