Amongst my tasks at work, apart from being hilarious and handsome all day long of course, is the editing of an internal magazine. By that I mean a magazine for employees, not a magazine created within the human body.
Last week I helped a team member wade through the post for the magazine. We'd had thousands of pieces of correspondence, mainly because we'd run a competition to win a trip to Disneyland Paris and that sort of thing really seems to get the stamps flying.
And within that pile of post lay some wonderful examples of gift-wrapped gags that were better than anything I could write. So I thought I'd steal them anyway and pass off the work as my own:
- Bad spelling. Cataclysmically bad spelling of what should have been 'Disney Colleague Competition'. 'Disknee competition' (I hope that was a joke), Disney College Competition (I wouldn't trust a Disney college, they'd have Mickey Mouse degrees) and one that was just addressed (without anything else) to 'Disney' - we must be like Father Christmas, it just finds us.
- Cheating. We stated 'no multiple entries' and could only spot one bit of cheating. And frankly we couldn't have missed it. 3 entries. All written on the backs of Old Christmas cards. Did they disguise their handwriting? Nope. This woman had her own labels with her name on stuck on the cards (she'd clearly done this before.) Like a deranged serial killer who just can't change their method of killing.
- Postcards...in envelopes. People sending in competition entries on postcards, but putting those postcards into envelopes. Honestly. I think we may need an awareness campaign of what postcards do. My only guess? They didn't want the postman to find out the answers, a bit like covering over your school work with your arm in case that smelly kid tries to copy.
- Postcards...of randomness. Entries on postcards depicited such diverse sights as: (a) A 1947 British Horror Film (b) A greengrocer showing off cabbages and sprouts (c) Myleene Klass being shot out of a cannon into a disused canal(although that may have just been something I photoshopped)
- Erm. The wrong idea. In amongst the post there was one completed wordsearch puzzle with the name and contact details of the person who had done that. Now, we do have a wordsearch puzzle in the magazine, yes. But there's no prize for it. I had to assume that the sender had either been a bit confused or just wanted someone to check his answers and that he hadn't cheated. I think I'm going to send him a prize anyway, possibly a bumper book of wordsearches.
- A photo of 12 people eating charity cheeseburgers that were the size of birthday cakes. Sorry, not a photo, 6 photos. As brilliant as it sounds, I have to find some way of printing this.
Still, whatever turns up in the post these days that isn't a bill or a kebab shop leaflet (we get 4 a week at home now, it's like they've spotted my belly) is something to be thankful for. So, Letter writers/competition enterers of the world, I thank you.
After all, as this blog proves, it isn't easy to write stuff that people will actually read.
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