I AM IRON MAN

I have a confession to make. Often, especially when my wife is at work, I like to go into the living room, with a beer, close the curtains, turn the lights up and experience hours of hot exquisite pleasure...through ironing.

I'm not making this up. Honest. I really love ironing. Even when I melted a pair of pants the other week, I still loved it. Really. Some things I make up (like that thing about having robot legs and being able to fly) but this I assure you is true. I bloody love it. Apparantly I'm not alone. Tom Baker devoted nearly a chapter of his autobiography to ironing. He's not mad is he? He is? Oh right.

I'm not particularly OCD and I couldn't think of anything more creased than my big old face, but there's something inherently wonderful about taking clothes and putting some order into them. There's a challenge - some items start as crumpled monsters and end up flattened happy friends. There's a level of skill involved - I rapidly switch between settings (1,2 or 3 - those are the main ones aren't they?)to ensure the right temperature is achieved. And the joy of turning a jumbled washing basket into 20-25 presentable items on hangers making the front room look like Gok Wan's house is wonderful - I sometimes even do a little post-ironing dance to celebrate (alright, I made that bit up).

For me, you have to enjoy ironing with something else. A Boxset of 24, some radio comedy or just Sky Sports football scores rolling in. A cheeky beer or two is often an ideal companion - however, don't have too many as you'll end up with very bizarre creases in your clothes or the phone rings and you accidentally burn your ear in confusion.

I guess it harks back to my last post about how my brain takes things in and processes stuff. Why ironing to me is more entertaining than soap operas, or how I imagine when you ring the bank to 'set up a direct debit' they open a cupboard and activate a small box with legs with the word 'direct debit' on it, which manually goes to your bank - queues up - and removes the cash over the counter.

Anyway, give ironing a chance eh? You never know, you could be just like me.

I have new mail - 975,421 of them

I usually don't believe a lot of the rumours about the internet. You know, like downloading certain files gives you a stitch, your computer will actually smell of pork if you visit a certain site or holding down CTL+ALT+R+U+N+S makes you need the toilet.

But some things are undoubtedly true. I still despair of hearing people say 'I only clicked on the button marked DOWNNLOADD UNLIMIMTED MONEY HERRE and it installed a virus that sent pictures of Adrian Chiles to all my email contacts' and once or twice i've had emails from 'YOUR BANK' telling me 'DEAR LOYEL CUSTOMER, WE NEED YOUR ACCOUNT DETAILS' etc.

Frankly, my bank wouldn't have the time to do that, what with sending me personal loan offers and copious marketing material with comedy cartoon characters on them every few days.

But Spam email. Well, that really does happen, and I sure does know it. I used to have a yahoo email address - ah, it was my first hotmail account (goes teary eyed with nostalgia) - and for years I had no problem. Then, back in 2005, I got a few spammy things. Nothing too racy, just video/tv download sign ups, online gaming type things.

And I did the stupid thing. I replied with the subject line "UNSCUBSCRIBE". Oh dear lord know. As schoolboy an error as spelling Sutton Coldfield as Sutton Coalfield in my GCSE Geography exam, and claming it was a place built entirely on coal mining.

As you may know, if you send UNSUBSCRIBE back to these emails then the automated system knows it's found a valid email address and then proceeds to tell all of it's spam soldiers to advance. Within a few weeks I was clearing out 10-15 pieces of spam a week. But then clearly, the spam word got round 'Hey, head over to timolsky@yahoo.co.uk - there's a party going on.

And the spam grew. The messages from the likes of Ellis Casey: Re Pharmyceuticals for you and Bingo Wangrasster Re: iiii have love message, they started to pile in. I couldn't even deleted them in date order as - somehow - the spam started coming from dates like 20 Dec 2983 (really? time travel emails?) It got to the point where I had to leave the account, there were over 100 spam emails, it was doomed. So I set up a new one and left it behind.

Now I'm very careful what I sign up to, and that I never reply to stuff I really don't know about. And a good job, because I went back into my yahoo account today for the first time in 2 years and had 975,421 new messages waiting for me.

Can't wait to reach one million. Maybe I'll buy some cheap watches, discount viagra and whatever Bingo Wangraaster's love is.

Silly questions drive me mad

I've heard some stupid questions in my time. Last year my wife woke up to find one eye inflamed, closed over, swollen up - she looked like the Elephant Man. We went to get medical attention and when she talked to the receptionist - with one eye inflamed, closed over, swollen up she was asked "Ok. Is it affecting your vision?". Erm. Yes. Next question.

And on the subject of very silly questions, well, maybe the answers are the silly things, I was listening to someone on the radio who had failed their driving theory test 3 times who complained they thought they shouldn't have to do it before they could drive.

I'm sorry, but you really need to be passing that before they let you behind the wheel of a car. It's basics. I like to make things up for comic effect but this stuff is comedy gold. So when you are struggling to answer the following genuine theory test questions, it's time to get a bus pass and forget the car for the minute.

Why are vehicles fitted with rear fog lights? (Mark one answer).

-To be seen when driving at high speed
-To use if broken down in a dangerous position
-To make them more visible in thick fog
-To warn drivers following closely to drop back

I'm guessing the word "fog" may be a clue

At the scene of an accident you have to treat someone for shock. What should you do? (Mark one answer)

-Sing to them
-Try and cool them down
-Keep reassuring them until qualified help arrives
-Give them liquids to drink

Could I sing reassuring messages to them, would that not be allowed. What if I'm a professional singer? I'm too busy cooling them down with lilt anyway.

You are driving through an automated rail crossing with barriers when the lights begin to flash. What should you do? (Mark one answer)

-Continue across at your current speed
-Stop and reverse
-Speed up
-Get out and look for trains

Yes, get out and LOOK FOR TRAINS, and while you're at it why not eat some razorblades, cover yourself in petrol and light some matches.

If you need help answering any of these, please drop me a line. Don't attempt to travel to see me to discuss, else I fear you - along with anyone in your path - may end up dead.

Nooses for weasels?

Sorry for the lack of blogging. I think it’s because I’ve been too busy realising I’m thick.

Seriously, I really am quite thick. Imagine if we were all sausages. I’d be one of those thick ones. Imagine hearing someone with a lisp-like speech impediment saying the word “sick”, and they could be mistaken for describing me. If I was a TV host, I’d be Vernon Kay. I’m so thick I’ll be lucky to end this

You might wonder how I’ve got to this conclusion, when only a few years back I was claiming I was a genius.

It’s just that I’ve realised some of the basic things in life, I haven’t really got right. I admitted one of them to people the other day – that until the age of 30 I didn’t know why there were different colours of toilet rolls. Honestly, I didn’t. Up until then I bought various colours because I thought “ooh, I’ll have pink ones this week” or “I feel a bit down, perhaps blue toilet rolls will reflect that mood?” I honestly didn’t know that you bought them to match in with the colour of your bathroom. Same with mouthwash. Saying that, if I had a bright green bathroom, I’d probably be mental anyway.

On a more advanced scale, I remember the many times I’ve opened loyalty card statements from supermarkets and been delighted to see that the vouchers for money off coupons are on products that I not only like, but that I really probably would buy. I had it down as a co-incidence, not thinking that, just maybe, they probably looked at what I bought before. No. It must have been magic.

There’s lots of other things I could name, like not realising that the little hooks on the insides of car roofs were for coats (What were they for Tim? To secure nooses for weasels?) – I’m surprised I haven’t fallen for a scam online by now.

That would never happen anyway as my friend, the Nigerian grandfather I never knew I had and recently contacted me on email about my inheritance, will testify. When he gets back to me to confirm those bank details are ok of course.

THIS IS A POLITE BLOG

The world is a horrible place at times, war, famine, ITV2, but I find immense solace in the simple use of words on signs. Well, the misuse of them at times.

Take today. I was at an exhibition and we were asked to join in by giving our feedback. I knew this from the sign that said "OFFICAL FEEDBACK ZONE". So my first bit of feedback was "You've spelt OFFICIAL wrong".

A particular delight are those signs, usually at places of work, that begin "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" before going on to lecture you about something.

First of all, the phrase "THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE" rarely makes me think that is polite. If you're having to tell me it's polite, frankly, I don't believe you. In fact, just be polite in the first place. It's a bit like startint a conversation with "I'm not racist...but" or someone saying to you "I'm going to show you the funniest thing ever" before showing you an episode of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

If you have to qualify it before you say it, think about what you are about to say.

Oh, and you don't need to say it's a NOTICE. I kind of got that from the way it was some words on laminated card on the wall. I didn't look at it and think "Ooh, what's that? Is it a kumquat?". Unlikely to be the case in the gents toilets.

Anyway. In the office I currently work in we have printers with little screens on that use lovely words. When I've finished printing it says "Goodbye...Print safely."

I can't help but reading that in a threatening manner. I think it's the dots, like it's saying "Be careful eh? You never know what could happen do you.... Watch it sunshine." It's like a Lexmark Reggie Kray. Also, I only really know how to "Print safely", it's rare I try printing standing in a bucket of water with a dangerously wired toaster in my hands or do A3 copies whilst poking a crocodile in the nipples.

Anyway, my final piece of wording was in a toilet cubicle (stick with me). On the back of the door was an advert that said (exactly as written here) "Printed advertising works. You're reading this aren't you." Imagine my delight to then see comments added (in different writing each time) that said:

- Shouldn't that second fullstop be a question mark?
- I feel there should also be a comma after this
- Yes, the second line is interrogative, it should finish with a question mark
- Good revisions everyone

And slap bang in the middle, just to finish it off, someone had then added a much more typical piece of toilet graffitti that said.

-UP THE BUM? MEET ME HERE FRIDAYS.

Thank the lord it was only Thursday.