On wearing a kilt

I wore a kilt last weekend. Alright, plenty of you reading will find this an utterly common experience and half of you probably wear things like dresses and skirts all the time. I know for a fact two of the blokes reading this do. But as it was only my second time I thought it was worth talking about.

Anyway, it was my second Scottish wedding where I've worn a kilt. It wasn't a cunning survival plan to stop the Braveheart like masses tearing me to shreds - Englands performance in the World Cup has tempered the traditional north/south hatred. We're now all as bad as each other.

No, it was a choice thing. I wore a kilt a few years back and was thoroughly happy to do so. Here's a rundown on my kilt wearing information for those of you considering.

It's comfy..once it's on
I say comfy. By that I mean once you are strapped in. And that takes some time. Once the kilt is on, the dress shirt, the waistcoat, the socks, the shoes, the laces, the heroin needles, the metal belt, the shortbread, the deep-fried mars bar, the imitation plastic knife, the stock 'flashes', the sporran and the jacket. I had help from the wife this time, last time I did it on my own. It was like watching a laboratory mouse try to assemble an IKEA dressing table when he's been given the instruction manual for a 1982 Sony Walkman. But as I say, once you are in it's all very comfy. It holds you in place and makes you stand upright. And yes, the breeze is lovely.

Sporrans are cool
You can get more in a sporran than you think (no sniggering) - it's positively TARDIS like. But when you fumble for loose change you are aware that people might think you're doing something dirty. People will also hit your sporran (men and women). I think this is a custom, it could just be a way of warding off sexual predators.

Don't go to the toilet
Honestly. Hold it in. Whatever it is. To do one thing requires a lot of sporran rotation/kilt pleat holding. To do anything more than that requires a team of four, chicken wire and high powered magnets.

It stays with you long after you've finished
The kilt is a comfy thing, but you feel like you're still wearing it a day later such is the weight and tightness of the whole ensemble. It's like you've looked at a kilt shaped lightbulb all day and all you can now see is that silhoutte. But in muscular form.

I'll do it again
Sadly the chance of more Scottish weddings hangs with two cousins and at 10 and 14 they are still a little way off being married yet. But I guess I'm available for parties dressed like that, so maybe I'll get a gig doing Scots-a-grams.

Maybe not.