Balls

If you've come here expecting a testes-related post, I apologise, it was just a ruse to get you to read about my sporting prowess. Actually, the idea of a testes-related post did lead you here then I'd be considering therapy about now.

I'm not the best sportsman in the world, but I'm not the worst. Last night I played cricket for the first time in 10 years. I've not really played much before, in fact the last match was for charity and I ended up nearly breaking the ribs of a batsman. Not with my bowling, he was on my team and I ran into him with the handle of the bat. And I got run out. Oh, the unfairness.

Anyway, last night I made up the numbers in a game and something happened I'm now convinced that I am blessed by the sporting gods, but only for about 2 minutes in whatever sport I play. Everyone had to bowl in the 20 over match and after 9 overs (i.e. the rest of the team had bowled) my turn came. I stepped up, chucked a half decent, possibly spinning, ball down the pitch and the batsman launched an almighty slog at it. It sailed majestically over my head and towards the boundary. But not far enough to the boundary, as I watched in amazement it dropped into the hands of a fielder.

Colman's lifetime figures. 1 ball. 1 wicket. 0 runs conceded.

As the fielder trotted over, beaming, I announced to the team my retirement from the game. They didn't take me seriously. They should have of course, because in came a huge man who - after prodding defensively at the next 3 balls - hit me for two sixes in a row.

Colman's lifetime figures. 1 over. 1 wicket. 12 runs conceded.

So I wasn't the Phil Tufnell I was hoping for, but that one moment of unexpected joy sums up my sporting career. I've never won trophies or medals, but I've always had a few great moments. Let me stress now, I haven't made any of these up, if I was going to do that they would be a lot more impressive.

Football
Asked by a bloke I drank with in Torquay if I'd fancy playing for The Kents Cavern pub, I sat on the bench in the first half before coming on at the start of the second. The game kicked off and a few passes later and our winger was bearing down on goal, but as he went to shoot he was tackled and the ball shot across the pitch straight into my path - first time shot, goal. In under 25 seconds on my debut. First touch of a ball.

Rugby
At school we had sports tops that were reversible. Red on one side, red with a big white stripe on the other. As we warmed up in a class v class match it started to rain, and when it came to kick off I realised I had to change my top. Sadly the rain had made the top so wet it was proving impossible and I had one arm in the top when the ball was punted forward straight to me. I caught it and, with just one arm in my top, somehow managed to sprint full pelt (I was 11) and beat the ENTIRE opposition team before touching down. All with one arm in my top.

Darts
My brother and I used to spend a lot of time playing darts, as it was a lot cheaper than pool (skinflints eh?). Usually our games of 301 took about 20 minutes, often getting down to a double 1 finish. Then one night I threw a treble 20, a treble 20 and, without hestitating, another treble 20. A 180. I leapt in the air whooping, so much so that a nearby dog went mental with fright - whilst my brother was on his back waving his hands in the air sharing the emotion. Yes, we had been drinking.

Golf
Well, pitch and putt. And this really isn't made up. The Three Hammers golf course in Wolverhampton runs alongside a dual carriageway. On one hole I sliced the tee shot, it flew off, hit a tree and pinged out through the hedge onto the road. There was an almighty crack as it clearly hit a car. Bricking it, I ran off the tee - sure that the next thing I would hear was a crash. I didn't. Instead I got to the green to find my ball sitting there. It had sliced, hit a tree, gone through hedge and hit a car at the exact angle and speed to put it back over the hedge and onto the green. I putted in for a birdie.

So those are my sporting triumphs. No, I've never won a cup (or that many games of anything really) but the mad highlights reel that plays in my mind has those few moments listed above and that's good enough for me.