How (not) to sell your house

We're currently in the process of selling of our house. I say 'in the process of', by which I mean I seem to have handed over a lot of money to estate agents so far and spent most weekends hoovering.

Whilst we haven't had an offer yet we have had plenty of people round to see the place. This is particularly pleasing as most news reports suggest that you are more likely to build a life size replica of Coventry out of sticklebricks, than sell your house.

When you are selling your house, you also get people offering you bizarre advice. Someone said to us "Oh, you should get Kirsty and Phil to help you move." - yes, because thats what they do isn't it? They sell your house for you. You've got that the wrong way round I think - presumably you think Supernanny gives speed to toddlers and suggests they smear jam on the wall?

I digress. So far our 'viewers' have fallen into three camps. The disinterested, who are probably thinking at some point about moving in the near future, possibly. Then there's the hopefuls - people who've either sold their house or are first time buyers and know that they could crush our moving dreams - oh, I can see that evil glint in their eyes.

Then there are the insane people. "Ideally I was looking for a 5th bedroom" said one woman. "Might I suggest you don't come to a 4 bedroom house then? Or did I not mention the SECRET INVISIBLE ROOM..." was what I thought of saying at the time, I didn't say of anything course - you're not allowed to be nasty to people who might buy your house. Even if they are clearly mental

Showing people around your house is always strange. As the missus works quite a few weekends, it's mainly me who has done the dozen or so viewings. It's become a bit like a standup routine now.

Everytime I show people the downstairs toilet I say "And here's the downstairs, as they call it. 'cloakroom'. Ideal for those times you have any 18th century nobles around who want to put their cloak somewhere.". As we go up the stairs I say "and these are the stairs" and when I show them one of the spare rooms I say "We call this the mummy's room, because thats where the mother in-law stays - nothing to do with Egyptian kings."

With people who clearly aren't going to buy the house I'm tempted to make things up such as:

"We've renovated the garden somewhat, well, we've moved the headstones."

"We considered converting the garage into a kitchen, the kitchen into a bedroom, the bedroom into the stairs and the stairs into a garage"

"I really like this room because I watched Batman Begins in it, have you seen it? I love it"

"I suppose some people might be put off by a ghost, but we find it a unique selling point."

"Every house has a negative point and ours is the fact that the utility room causes people to age at five times the normal speed. I tend to only pop in there when it's really necessary"

Fingers crossed we sell the place before I end up saying any of these out loud, or before I refer to the bedroom as 'where the magic happens'.

Save me from that and get on rightmove now.