Loss

I didn't know it was British Summertime this weekend until I read it in the paper on Saturday. It always takes me by surprise and is usually accompanied by the 3 seconds of thinking "is it the good one? The one where we get an extra hour in bed?" followed by the realisation that, no, it's the one that robs us of an hour from the weekend. It's effectively a tax on summer.

My mate Rusty had a great idea this weekend. It seems we've all been forced to give up this hour at the weekend, in our own time so why don't we just move it. Instead of losing an hour on Sunday morning, we should just all take the hour forward at about 3pm on the Friday. Imagine that. One minute it's 2.59pm, the next it's 4pm and just about the weekend.

It would probably cost the economy £10bn or something, but surely it would be worth it just for that extra hour. Plus it would really screw people's heads on a Friday afternoon and probably make Outlook's Calendar explode.

I should point out now, this idea may have been fuelled by a lot of booze, so may not have been properly thought through. Other ideas that have been come up with in the same way include - cars made of foam rubber that means people never die in car accidents, humans evolving their hands into remote controls for TVs and/or their fingers as cutley and the idea that if everyone had to wear hats, it would solve virtually all the problems in the world. If you'd like to know more about these then please consume 8 units of alcohol first and meet me by the quiz machine.

The final part of this story was that I did get the benefit of the extra hour in the end The missus updated her phone, putting it on an hour herself, but the phone clearly also did it itself at some point. So when her phone alarm went off at 7.30am it was actually 6.30am. Take that BST.

Keeping up with the I-joneses

I love my tech. Heck, I still love ceefax (tesco value internet I call it). But new tech, like the phone I am blogging on now, tickles me like I'm Elmo (sesame street, not Brush Strokes). I love the fact I can write this nonsense whilst sitting in a hotel foyer where, I'm pretty sure, the England ladies football team are currently meeting.

My tech allows me to can check film times in Truro (amazing eh - a cinema in Cornwall) or get a recipe suggestion just by putting in the ingredients (ham, cheese, bread - ah, coq au vin). So I should be all very happy shouldn't I thankyouvermuch.

Except all these whizzbang things need taking care of. My iphone is also my ipod and has the facility to show the album cover of the music you are listening to. But my image library was sparse, so the nice little disply was full of blanks.

So I manually added the covers. I started at 10.30pm on Saturday night and by 1.45am Sunday morning had to give up. Partly because I had run out of beer to keep me going but mainly because my eyes felt like they'd had salted peanuts rubbed in them.

I finally finished my album cover odyssey at some point on Sunday afternoon and was able to happily flick through the entire collection in a nice OCD manner for some time. That was after I bought a new protective cover for the phone. Oh, and for the screen. And sorted the charger. And arranged the wi-fi. By which point it was next thursday.

Honestly, it's like having a child. Only you can put them in the drawer and forget about them if you want to, but without social services getting involved. Oh and they have built-in GPS - the tech, not the children. Saying that perhaps that's the next thing wifi-gps-4g kids. Start queuing for them now.

Sex and violins

Because i'm an evil planet destroying type I drive a car. Actually, I mainly do it because it's handy, easy and relatively inexpensive. The planet destruction is just an added bonus.

This week though I've been back to various forms of public transport. Car in for MOT meant the bus yesterday, and on wednesday a meeting was easier to get to on the train rather than drive.

As a student, and a man with very little money, I used to live on public transport. I knew bus numbers, I recognised fellow passengers and I never stood forward of 'this line' or distracted the driver. And it was fun at times. Mainly beacause of the things that you observe. Here's my top 5 "lack of my own car" moments

5.I fell asleep regularly on my commute from Torquay to Exeter on the train. One morning I fell asleep 2 minutes into the 40 minute journey and woke up as the train was pulling into the right station. Well, I woke up. My left leg didnt. I'd been sitting funny and it was completely numb and asleep. I managed to limp at high speed to the train door where I then foolishly led with said leg. I fell straight out onto the platform where I had to be helped up by people who clearly thought I had a serious motor condition.

4.Getting on a bus in Nottingham with my chum Daive who said to the grumpy bus driver. "Are you going to the city centre". "Yes". "Can we come with you?". Putting it that way seemed so much nicer.

3.A violin once dropped out of the overhead rack on a train and hit me full on the head. No more explanation needed really.

2.I've mentioned this before, but I nearly got arrested at Birmingham New Street as a student. I dropped a bag that had the processed ham from M&S that was the staple part of my diet at Uni. Sadly the bag fell onto the tracks under the stopped train. So I lay down on the floor to reach under the train to get my bag. Within 10 seconds I was being hauled up by British Transport Police who were convinced I was trying to kill myself. Thank the lord this was the early 90's - these days I'd be in a terrorist prison. The Ham bomber they'd have called me. Porksploder. Or something.

1. This is utterly true, and whilst it's not strictly public transport it's worth telling. Again in Nottingham, me and 4 friends were waiting for a bus on a saturday night. A people carrier/taxi pulled up and asked us if we wanted to go into town. It was a big new people carrier and it wouldn't cost much so we agreed. Inside it was filled with TV screens and 30 seconds into the journey the driver said "You chaps will like this", pressed a button and the screens switched on displaying 8 women indulding in hardcore pornography with a whole manner of household objects. The longest 10 minutes of our lives, each of us sitting in the 'porn taxi' open mouthed wondering quite why this taxi driver thought we'd enjoy it. Sometimes I struggle to believe it really happened. "You chaps will like this"? If we were sex offenders, perhaps.

On toilets

If you're of a nervous disposition, or don't want to acknowledge that we all have to go to the toilet, then stop reading. Not that it's going to be in any way filthy, I'm here to talk about the wonderful toilet experiences there are.

No, that sounds wrong. Let me start again.

Public toilets are funny things. I'm inspired because we moved desks at work recently and we have brand new toilets to go to. Listen, in my world that's exciting. It's also important, as we spend a lot of our time in the toilet and I need to know I'm safe. My brother always says "You can always tell where your true home is by the toilet you picture when you need to go." Try saying that next time you're in court and asked to confirm your address.

Anyway, a few observations about toilets that may (or more likely may not) interest you.

The trapped man
In our new toilets there are two stalls. And the times i've been in there so far the first stall is always locked. I'm now thinking that it's the same bloke in there all the time and he's become trapped. I struggle not to laugh at that concept everytime I go in the toilet. And laughing in the toilet is not considered good...

Toilet etiquette
This is something that men understand and women should know. Basically in a gents toilet if there are urinals and they are free you should always ensure that you have left at least one urinal space free. i.e. if there are 3 urinals, you go to the nearest or furthest. This then allows any stranger coming in to take up a urinal with an acceptable gap. If someone else then comes in they can use the middle urinal as they are forced into that position - it is not of their choice - thus making it a neccessity. Ask any bloke and he'll confirm most of this.

The Avengers theme tune
I was once in a toilet where someones phone went off in a stall. It played the entire soundtrack from The Avengers. He made no attempt to turn it off. Seriously. Go to youtube and listen to the music and tell me at which point you might think "Hang on, this bombastic brass and strings spy theme really doesn't go with the location I'm in."

Pyschic cleaners
Here. At work. Everytime I want to go. The cleaners are there and it's closed. I have an extra 3 minute walk to the next one...and they are also being cleaned. I'm getting paranoid.

Toilet roll practical joke invention
The only invention I've ever come up with that I could go on Dragon's Den with is a toilet roll that looks like it's full but when they tug on the paper only one piece comes off and the toilet roll turns out to be plastic or explodes or something. Once I can get the right backing from Theo Paphitis I'll be home free.

There you go - hope that wasn't too grimy for you. Now, wash your hands.

Walk a mile in my brain

There's an old saying that goes. "Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes". Great advice of course, especially if you are a shoe thief.

In a similar way I'd like to invite you into my head. Yes, come on in - there's plenty of room (MEGALOL etc.) Seriously though, I started having a think about how I view things and how my brain works, and I thought it worth sharing.

Here's how it works, answer a, b or c and then tot up for the end score. It's like a Facebook quiz, only with adding up at the end.

1. You are in an office and someone is packing their belongings into a large crate with the word 'Rentacrates' on the side. Does your brain say:

(a) Oh, they must be leaving
(b) I wonder where they are going
(c) That person must be a Greek man called Rentacrates (as in Socrates) who lives in a crate and has his name emblazoned on the side.

2. You are driving down an industrial estate and see the head offices for Sara Lee Cakes and McAfee Computer Viruses. How do you picture the insides of the building?

(a) Modern, fresh offices.
(b) Lots of computers, probably quite swish
(c) The Sarah Lee head office is made of icing and sponge with people covered in sprinkles. Meanwhile McAffee employers are wearing haz-med suits running round with nets trying to catch giant monstrous versions of viruses

3. You see the sign 'Dogs must be carried on the escalator'. What's the first thing you think?

(a) I don't have a dog, so not to worry
(b) Good sensible safety advice
(c) They must be carried? Does that mean I must get a dog before I am allowed travel on one? Where am I going to get at dog from in Next? That's just crazy

4.When someone asks for 'the bill' in a restaurant, what do you say?

(a) "How much do I owe?"
(b) "It's ok, I'll get this"
(c) "Do we really need to get the police involved?"

5. You see a dog in the street. As you walk by do you:

(a) Pat its head
(b) Avoid it
(c) Do a pretend dog voice, a bit like Tommy Cooper, and pretend it said the words you just said in the voice

Right. Tot up your scores.

Mostly (a) or (b), be thankful and sleep soundly. Mostly (c), welcome to my head, please make yourself at home.