Cats Rules

Today's a sad day for me and the missus. It's a year since our first cat, Samson, died. He went just after 11am on the 11th of November last year. He couldn't have picked a better time to be remembered really - I like to think the whole nation stops just to think of him.

And whilst he didn't fight in a war or walk around on two legs using cutlery, he was a lot nicer than 98% of the humans I've met. And on a par with the other 2%.

Since then we've missed him dreadfully, and although it's supposed to get easier with time the anniversary is always going to be a rotten day. But it's also a time to remember what he taught me.

When my wife and Samson moved in back in Nov 2004, I hadn't really been a pet owner. But from day one, I was hooked. He actually moved in 2 weeks before the wife, and by the time she finally got down from Scotland it was like Men Behaving Badly, with Martin Clunes and a cat (funnier than Neil Morrissey, and less likely to wee in public).

Sam had been a rescue case and was very timid. As a result he didn't really trust strangers and it took a while to get used to him. But the minute he climbed on my lap to watch me playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, I knew we would be chums.

Being with him taught me some rules about life that cats have. I'm not doing this to descend into lolcat style japery, just a few honest things about what you learn going from non-cat owner to obsessed with the little bundles of fur.

Rule 1. See that stuff there. That's mine. Whatever it is, it is mine. I may sit on it, chew it, rub my backside against it. I may ignore it. But rest assured: it is mine. I am merely loaning it to you. And that goes for the woman too.

Rule 2. What time is it? Whatever time I want it to be. Dark outside, everyone in bed? Probably time to run around and yell. Bright and sunny, hoovering around the house, I'll be sleeping thanks. I'm more reliable than Greenwich thank you.

Rule 3. If it's not there, I can see it. I need to stare at that wall, up those stairs, in that cupboard, because I can see the spirits of the netherworld. I am one with them, and they commune with me. However I can sleep through pretty much anything tangibly real, including that mini-earthquake we had a few years back.

Rule 4. I don't smell bad. I smell different to you.Get used to it.

Rule 5. Cuddle me, stroke me, but give me too much love and I will swipe you and bite you. You actually can have too much of a good thing, alright. Besides which, you're the one getting the enjoyment - this is like a job for me.

Rule 6. No matter how many times I annoy you, wake you up, slap you in the face with my paw, eat too much, be sick on the carpet, create monstrous shapes in the litter tray, disappear for hours on end, put fur on your clothes, eat your slippers and wail at Iron Maiden style levels as 4am, you will love me in the end. That's just the way it is.

And on Rule 6, I really can't argue.

Happy anniversary big guy. We still miss you x