I'm going to burn in hell aren't I?

My brain. My mouth. Thankfully, there's something inbetween that stops a lot of the nonsense leaking out like Capri Sun from it's flimsy space-age packaging.

I've always had so much going on in my brain. I'm not saying I'm clever, just that it never seems to stop. Paul Merton talked about having the same condition once, and that it meant he had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a week. Nice. I had a similar experience in an old job, where I managed (honest) an image library of stick characters.

I found myself lying awake in the small hours listing all the numbers of the stick characters and what they were doing "Number 134 - Stick man on bike, Number 148 - Stick man talking on phone." I felt I was going absolutlely mad. For the only time in my life, I rang the Samaritans. And they were engaged. I thought they were never engaged. I went back to bed, but started making new images in my head "Number 189 - Stick man lying bed thinking about stickmen". How I got to sleep, I'll never know.

Anyway. That's at night. During the day I have a stopcock (no sniggering at the back) that sits between my brain and my mouth, that stops the nonsense flowing out. Although sometimes it doesn't work. In school I was once reprimanded because when the teacher asked "What came after the stone age and the bronze age" I genuinely shouted out "The saus-age". I really did.

Once, when a (now ex) girlfriend said to me "I'm fat aren't I", I just said "Well, technically yes", almost as a reflect. We split up a week later

As I've got older I've got more of a handle on it, but at times it's like a form of tourettes, and some of things I come up with, even thinking them, means I am a very bad man.

Case in point, there's a chap who works in our offices who is blind and has a guide dog. One evening, I was walking along the long corridor from our wing to the exit and found myself walking alongside him and his dog. He stopped near his office and, clearly feeling for the door, said to the dog "Is this the right one?".

I virtually had to stuff my fist in my mouth as my brain told me "Go on. Do a doggy voice and go 'No. Not this one'." I was convulsing with laughter, guilt, shock, disgust that my head would do that.

Thankfully I stopped just in time. But I know I was thinking it, and now so do you. And for that, surely I will burn.